How To Help Your Child With Big Feelings: Anger
Anger is a natural and human reaction to many different situations. It’s our body’s “fight” response – a natural reaction to a threat that helps keep us safe by priming us to protect or stand up for ourselves.
What’s interesting to note is that we don’t respond with anger only to outside threats. Our own disappointment, events that remind us of past hurt, or grief can also cause us to feel angry. In some cases, these perceived threats can also cause us to lash out or become violent.
Like adults, kids deal with big feelings and have to learn how best to process and express their emotions, specifically anger.
Children face their own challenges, and anger can often result as a byproduct of the inability to express difficult emotions. Anger in children can become a problem if it results in episodes of rage and aggression. When a frustrated child has tantrums or meltdowns, they can harm themselves and the people around them, including their parents, siblings, or peers.
As children grow, their brains develop, and they can explore new ways to cope with difficult emotions. A safe space where anger is dealt with in a healthy manner can help kids learn to manage their “big” feelings constructively. As such, making an effort to understand why your little one is acting out and patiently learning how to handle an angry or aggressive child can help them better control their emotions in the future.
Facing a distressed child can place stress on parents or guardians, and it can even feel scary sometimes, but there’s a way to help your child make send of their anger. We tackle the following topics in this blog to help you navigate your kid’s big emotions with ease and confidence.
Anger vs. Aggression in Children
Why Children Become Angry and Aggressive
How To Handle an Angry or Aggressive Child
Other Ways To Help a Child With Anger Issues
Anger Vs. Aggression in Children
The most important thing to remember when differentiating these two terms is that anger is a feeling or emotion, while aggression is the behavior resulting from it.
Anger is a universal emotion. When you’re angry, neurotransmitter chemicals that cause you to experience a burst of energy called catecholamines are released. This often spurs the desire to take immediate action.
Aggression, on the other hand, refers to behavior that can be hostile, violent, and even harmful or destructive—coming from feelings of anger.
Why Children Become Angry, Irritable or Aggressive
Denis Sukhodolsky, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at Yale Medicine Child Study Center, says it is common for children below the age of four to have around nine tantrums every week. These episodes of crying, screaming, stomping, kicking, biting, hitting, or throwing objects can go on for 10 minutes.
While this can be a troubling experience for you, it helps to remember this is equally stressful and scary for your child. Moreover, kids often feel bad for their actions after calming down.
UNDERLYING CAUSES FOR ANGER ISSUES
There are various reasons your child may struggle with anger, irritability, and aggression:
Genetic factors - Studies have shown that difficulty managing anger can run in families
Behavior observed at home - Seeing family members arguing with each other may lead children to copy that behavior. Toddlers learning to speak can also mimic the language and tone of voice of the adults around them when consistently exposed to anger.
Abuse - Physical and emotional abuse can cause psychological symptoms in children, which often include a tendency toward aggressive or violent behavior.
Trauma - Traumatic experiences can impair a child’s stress system, making negative feelings more challenging to regulate.
Being bullied - A 2018 study explored the impact of bullying on brain development and suggested that it can cause children to be more likely to be aggressive.
Struggle with schoolwork
Problems with friendships
Hormone changes during puberty
How To Handle an Angry or Aggressive Child
A child who is overwhelmed with emotions is a frustrated child. They are yet to learn how to manage their feelings or express them more constructively. Considering this, how you react when your child is angry can impact whether they continue with their aggressive behavior or eventually pick up skills to handle their feelings better.
To help you out, here are some helpful pointers on handling explosive behavior.
Stay Calm
Often, parents faced with a raging child feel out of control and find themselves yelling back at their kids. However, it helps to remember that shouting will often only make them more aggressive and keep you from reaching them.
While this may sound difficult, the best thing to do during your child’s outburst is to remain calm and in control of your emotions. Doing so prevents the situation from escalating while helping you become an example for your child.
Acknowledge Their Feelings
Most kids don’t calm down until they feel they are heard. This is why telling a distressed child to pipe down or behave appropriately is often not the best way to react. Instead, acknowledging their upset and encouraging them to share why they feel a certain way can be more helpful.
Acknowledging your little one’s big feelings means validating their emotions, not condoning their actions. Remember, big feelings are natural and universal. How we teach kids to respond to those emotions is essential.
Validating their feelings enables children to accept and process them in a healthier manner.
Help Your Child Identify the Signs of Anger
Like most adults, kids don’t enjoy experiencing outbursts. As mentioned earlier, this is their response to frustration and the inability to control their emotions. Helping them detect the signs of anger early can help them make more positive decisions about handling it.
To do this, you can talk to your child about what they feel when they get angry. It could be clenching their teeth or making a fist. They may also feel their heart beating faster, their muscles tensing, and their stomach churning.
As you talk to your child about these sensations, it’s essential to constantly remind them that the anger is signaling them to explore a troubling thought, feeling or event — and that you’re teaming up with them to help them deal with their feelings better.
Praise Positive Behavior
When faced with a distressed and frustrated child, it’s easy to pinpoint explosive behavior. To help your little one overcome their anger issues, it’s better to acknowledge and praise their efforts, like when they’ve calmed themselves after a meltdown. Highlighting seemingly small actions can also help, whether trying to express their feelings calmly or asking for a turn in the swing.
Positive feedback helps build your child’s confidence in managing their anger and shows them that self-control produces desirable results.
Never Use Physical Punishment
Never use physical punishment to restrain or punish your children. Using force only teaches children to manage their anger the same way, leading to more outbursts. One productive way to respond to an angry or aggressive child is by asking them what you can do to help with empathy and warmth.
It’s also important to note that consequences are more helpful than punishments. A punishment arises from anger and serves as retribution for wrong behavior, but consequences are outcomes of such actions. Using a consequence helps kids understand the essence of taking responsibility for their behavior, teaching them to make better choices.
Other Ways To Help a Child With Anger Issues
You can also help your child improve their anger management when they seem to be doing better. Here are some practices that can help your little one work through the emotional challenges they may encounter in their daily life:
Responding with empathy and respect to what they are expressing
Spending time every day to connect with and bond with them
Creating routines to help them feel in control
Giving them a safe space to express their emotions
Setting a time for play and laughter every day
Moreover, family, friends, teachers, and mental health care professionals can also help you and your child overcome anger issues. For example, support groups can give them a secure environment where they can learn from peers and group moderators.
Others find it helpful to see a child therapist or attend family therapy with their parents. Some therapies that address a child’s behavior problems include:
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that helps children learn more effective ways to handle angry emotions.
Parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT), a behavior-based therapy that helps parents strengthen their relationship with their child and build their confidence in directing the child’s behavior, setting limits, and making interactions positive again.
Play therapy, a form of psychotherapy that uses fun and enjoyable activities to teach children to communicate with others, express their feelings in a healthy manner, and improve their behavior.
Navigate Your Child’s Big Emotions With Confidence at Park Slope Therapy
Learning how to handle an angry or aggressive child can be challenging. It will require you to increase your patience and remain calm during your little one’s tantrums or meltdowns.
With that said, experimenting with the tips mentioned earlier and becoming willing to try different behavioral approaches and techniques can make a difference. Ultimately, making the effort to help your child healthily process their feelings can result in more positive interactions and a happier home.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, the child therapists at Park Slope Therapy are here to work with you and your child in building the skills needed to navigate behaviors like tantrums, behavioral outbursts, and difficulty following rules. Let us help you build confidence in your parenting skills and create a calmer, happier family dynamic – talk to us today to get started.
